Entering enemy territory, or that one time I flew AA...

Picture it: Me. I’ve just flown on three different flights in as many days, I’m ready to end a 2.5 week trip and go home. One quick connection at EWR, then a long haul, and then I'll be home.

And then this happens.

Yeah. Smoke in the control tower at EWR. 

And the delays begin. 

We all know the signs. And we all know when we’re about to get fucked over. I know I need to act fast and change my flights.

A wise and handsome man once told me, “never wait in line,” when you need airline customer service. “Always get on the phone.” And so I do just that.

Mrs. Whatever answers the 1k line and offers to back me up on a flight leaving EWR later than my ticketed flight. I’m certain I’ll miss it. "Can’t I be rerouted?" She says that IAD is overbooked, and there are no other options for that evening. I’m not satisfied with that. I thank her and hang up.

I go to the rep at the Club. I explain. She listens. 

She says, “My advice? Let me rebook you direct on American.”

As you might imagine, this fills me with fear. No miles! No status! No club! No early boarding privileges!! But I trust her judgement. After some hand wringing and a mini panic attack, I agree. She hands me a coupon. I am to take said coupon to AA to check in and get a boarding pass.

Walking out of the United terminal, past the security checkpoint, down the road and in to the American Airlines terminal is surreal. Everything is similar, but different. I am an outsider. I didn’t speak the One World language. And my Star Alliance Gold card doesn’t mean shit.

I get my boarding pass from the AA counter and join the mortals’ line for security. It took a while with more people in line, particularly people who are not frequent travelers (pillows? lace up boots? really?). Once I get through, I felt aimless. Where to go? No club would have me. So I find a quiet gate and made a few phone calls.

Then comes the humiliation of Boarding Group 4 and waiting for everyone else to board before me, hoping there is space for my carry on. The crush of humanity as we all try to dive in front of one another, putting on airs of politeness but secretly scheming ways of cutting off the people adjacent. 

But you know what? It is all fine! Once I get on board, I settle in without issue. I have an aisle seat, and an empty next to me. The plane is far from full. Plenty of space for my bag, and it went right above my seat! I steer clear of the food, as there was no way I could have requested a special meal in time. In the middle of the flight, I realize that there was no noticeable difference between sitting in coach on AA and sitting in coach on UA. For me, the benefit of Economy Plus is minimal at best.

I make it home safe and sane.

So being a stranger in a strange land isn't so bad. But I’m not giving up my Star Alliance status anytime soon.

Shanghai Surprise: The Ballad of CO87

What follows is a shortened version of the official flight info for an ill-fated flight from Newark to Shanghai this week.

Our question: How come the FAs didn't lock the lavs when they filled up?

Our favorite phrases used below include:

Due to dispatch technology issues...

...flight release and paperwork were not able to be generated.

...poor customer disposition

In other words: Mistakes were made, but not by us....

OK, here we go:

Flight 87/EWR-PVG experienced an air return to EWR due to all lavatories on the aircraft being full. The aircraft was approximately 5+ hours out of EWR when the decision was made to return to EWR. While in route back to EWR, an investigation...revealed that the lavs were not serviced in EWR prior to scheduled departure as required. ....According to Flight Attendant statements, they observed [before departure] that Tank 1 was 5/8th full, Tank 2 was 3/8th full and tank 3 was 5/8th full....The FA’s assumed that the lav’s would be serviced during the boarding process. Allegedly, no calls were made to SOC to request lavatory service....

Approximately 5 hours into the flight, the on board chimes sounded indicating #3 Tank was full. Shortly after that, Tank 1 was full and one of the lavatories began to overflow. The decision was made to air return....While in route back to EWR, the Lavatories overflow situation became severe enough to warrant a diversion into YYR (Goose Bay, NF)....Lavatories were serviced in YYR, the aircraft fueled and was airborne back to EWR at 22:52 local.

The aircraft was rescheduled to depart at 03:15 with a new crew. Due to dispatch technology issues the flight release and paperwork were not able to be generated....After, retrieving the paperwork and delivering to the crew, the door was closed at 05:35. While attempting to remove the jetway from the aircraft, the CS agent had difficulty. The auto leveler on the gate, Gate 121 had failed and required Facility Maintenance technicians to safely remove the jetway from the aircraft. FX MX was able to remove the jetway at 05:54. At approximately 06:00 the crew requested the jetway be reattached for an ill Flight attendant. The flight attendant was experiencing a severe asthma attack and was transported to the hospital via ambulance at 06:20. The crew duty time expired and the crew made the decision to not waive duty time. 

252 Customers (50 BF) were then deplaned. Customer disposition was poor but managed well by the CS team at EWR....Customers were given meal vouchers and hotels this morning....

There you have it. We hope the asthma-stricken FA recovered OK...