Do You Like Urine on Your Feet?

So we've blogged about etiquette before (check out that word cloud to the right), and we'll do it again.

Today.

We have a real problem with people who bare their disgusting, filthy, traveling feet in public. Airline lounges and clubs are a prime place to spot this repulsive behavior.

Here are two photos we've taken (in United Clubs) in the last few months.

This appealing young (gross) lady was at O'Hare...

Bare feet up on the furniture. Nice.

And this lady was in the International Terminal at SFO:

That's her loving husband ignoring her crass ways.

But we saw something on an ORD-SFO flight last week that was truly appalling. Across from us in 21D was a 50 year old dad traveling with his wife and two kids (scattered among nearby rows). He took off his shoes as soon as we pushed back, and was barefoot.

This is bad enough. However, it gets much worse.

Three times during the flight, he got up and used the lavatory. In BARE FEET.

It is beyond appalling to imagine knowingly walking into a space that is splashed with man urine. That's what airplane lavatories are, let's just face it. Even walking in wearing the socks from your BusinessFirst amenity kit is pretty horrific.

But barefoot?

Take a hint from us: Never - NEVER - display your bare feet in an airport or on an airplane.

And if you do, for God's sake – don't visit the lav in your bare feet?

Please?

Entering enemy territory, or that one time I flew AA...

Picture it: Me. I’ve just flown on three different flights in as many days, I’m ready to end a 2.5 week trip and go home. One quick connection at EWR, then a long haul, and then I'll be home.

And then this happens.

Yeah. Smoke in the control tower at EWR. 

And the delays begin. 

We all know the signs. And we all know when we’re about to get fucked over. I know I need to act fast and change my flights.

A wise and handsome man once told me, “never wait in line,” when you need airline customer service. “Always get on the phone.” And so I do just that.

Mrs. Whatever answers the 1k line and offers to back me up on a flight leaving EWR later than my ticketed flight. I’m certain I’ll miss it. "Can’t I be rerouted?" She says that IAD is overbooked, and there are no other options for that evening. I’m not satisfied with that. I thank her and hang up.

I go to the rep at the Club. I explain. She listens. 

She says, “My advice? Let me rebook you direct on American.”

As you might imagine, this fills me with fear. No miles! No status! No club! No early boarding privileges!! But I trust her judgement. After some hand wringing and a mini panic attack, I agree. She hands me a coupon. I am to take said coupon to AA to check in and get a boarding pass.

Walking out of the United terminal, past the security checkpoint, down the road and in to the American Airlines terminal is surreal. Everything is similar, but different. I am an outsider. I didn’t speak the One World language. And my Star Alliance Gold card doesn’t mean shit.

I get my boarding pass from the AA counter and join the mortals’ line for security. It took a while with more people in line, particularly people who are not frequent travelers (pillows? lace up boots? really?). Once I get through, I felt aimless. Where to go? No club would have me. So I find a quiet gate and made a few phone calls.

Then comes the humiliation of Boarding Group 4 and waiting for everyone else to board before me, hoping there is space for my carry on. The crush of humanity as we all try to dive in front of one another, putting on airs of politeness but secretly scheming ways of cutting off the people adjacent. 

But you know what? It is all fine! Once I get on board, I settle in without issue. I have an aisle seat, and an empty next to me. The plane is far from full. Plenty of space for my bag, and it went right above my seat! I steer clear of the food, as there was no way I could have requested a special meal in time. In the middle of the flight, I realize that there was no noticeable difference between sitting in coach on AA and sitting in coach on UA. For me, the benefit of Economy Plus is minimal at best.

I make it home safe and sane.

So being a stranger in a strange land isn't so bad. But I’m not giving up my Star Alliance status anytime soon.

CO: Gone But Not Forgotten at the Gate

We know that the Continental Airlines name is gone, but even post-merger, the "new" United is stuck with a lot of CO swag and material. 

One example is the BP stock which the GAs are using to print boarding passes at the gate. 

 

Post-merger, I received an upgrade right before boarding at ORD, and here's the boarding pass I was handed:

How long before the CO stock is gone completely?

I Survived Too: Merger Day at ORD

When I booked this weekend's travel, a few months back, United had announced that it planned to merge all its systems with Continental's at end of business on Saturday, March 3. So I was pretty certain that by flying on Saturday afternoon I'd be in the clear.

Later, they switched up and announced that everything would merge overnight/early Saturday morning. So I prepped for disaster, leaving home on Thursday for ORD, ticket numbers documented offline, mileage balances recorded as proof, and reservations printed in hard copy. Saturday morning I tried to check in online, having totally forgotten to do so the previous night (rookie mistake!).

But online check in via iPhone app was broken. I tried on my laptop using the Continental-fied pss.united.com website. No dice. I'd have to go try a kiosk at the airport.

When I got the ticket lobby, I hit the nearest kiosk. It couldn't find my reservation. Not good. So I found the Premier Access 1K line, which only had about 10 people in it. The Economy & international check in lines were longer, but not horrible. And UA staff were out in force: greeting people, answering questions, and most of all, manning the ticket desks, with supervisors looking over their shoulders. The problems of the non-GUI HP SHARES system are documented elsewhere, but based on what I was seeing today at ORD, it didn't seem like there were major problems they couldn't handle on day 1.

Best of all, though, were the t-shirts UA ticket personnel sported, as seen in my photo above. The front said, "Merger Day One," and the back said: "I Survived."

I chatted with a service rep who said that while the scene wasn't too bad now (mid-day), the morning had apparently been horrendous. Lots of angry pax, confusion and broken systems. She also said that it was just as well that I had forgotten to check in online the previous day: all the people who had done so arrived at the airport to learn that their check ins were not in the system and they had to hit the ticket counters anyway.

One way or the other, when I made it to the counter, the agent found my res, gave me my boarding pass, and sent me on my way. By the time I got online here in the United Club, my current year and lifetime mileage balances had shown up in my MileagePlus account, along with my upgrade balance.

I logged in to the Club wifi network (the "T" in T-Mobile is for "tortoise") using my old MileagePlus number, not my new alphanumeric OnePass-ish number. Not everything has been updated yet, I guess.

The Territorialist

...that's what I'm calling the breed of jerk I encountered in the an international business seat next to me on a recent trip. This particular animal likes to mark his territory; don't be surprised if you catch him peeing in on the floor near his seat. Observed Territorialist behavior:

• Strategic overhead bin hogging
• Crowding the shared armrest/console area with drinks, menus, warm nuts etc
• Flailing limbs while "sleeping"
• Constant annoying requests from the FAs for special treatment

Ok dude, we get it. You're Global Services and you think you're the shiz. But if you're really so great, why weren't you in First?

Now Boarding.....

Two forces have combined to overwhelm the boarding process on UA/CO for the last few weeks:

1. The pending merger has the GAs announcing every known combination of frequent flier achievement level possible across CO, UA, and the rest of Star Alliance; and
    
2. The ability to earn boarding priority by serving in the military (or by having the United Explorer Visa card) means a couple more groups at the gate.

So to save you the trouble of listening for your own group, just remember that this is the current order in which people may board:

• Uniformed military personnel and Global Services customers as well as Presidential Platinum Elite
• People traveling with squalling children, or people who need extra time to board, because they have four carry-ons
• 1K and Star Alliance Gold
• Premier Executive, Premier, Star Silver, Silver Platinum (Elite), 2K, Star Bronze, Copa Me Mucho, Star Platinum, Silver Elite Gold, and Premier Associates. Oh, and uninformed military personnel
• United Explorer Visa Card holders with checked bags or outstanding monthly balances
• Then, seating area 5

Questions?

Image via Creative Commons

Something to Drink, Sir? Also, You're a Pig.

Yeah, OK. We've been over this whole feet-on-the-bulkhead thing already. But we're going to keep beating this drum until airline flight attendants get up the nerve to tell passengers who do this that it's not OK, and make them stop.

I took this photo in the first row of a United A320 today on a four hour jaunt out of ORD. The guy with his nasty feet on the wall wasn't some wayward slob on his way back to campus after a snowboarding weekend. He was a 40-something business man in a nice suit and tie.

And he was a disgusting pig for doing this.

There's your rant for this week.

Simulate This! Boeing's Customer Experience Center

Did some flying today – just a short one hour hop on a US EMB145 out of LGA. There was a little girl behind me, in 5F, and whenever she started to mess with my seat back or make annoying squealy noises, her dad shushed her as best he could. I appreciated that.

I also appreciated that he wasn't seated in 4D, next to me, because he was obese and barely fit in his own seat. If the person next to him weren't a child, he could not have sat there. At least I didn't have to stand up for a seven hour flight (did you see that story?!). I chatted with a United FA last year who told me about her biggest fear – that she will have a "POS" who causes a safety problem or other "incident" because of his or her size.

"What's a POS?" I asked.

"Person of size..." she said. So now you know the terminology to use when you complain to the airline about the giant in 4D.

But that's not what I wanted to write about. I wanted to talk about the Boeing Customer Experience Center in Renton, Washington. I had a chance to go there recently, and tour mock ups of several aircraft, including the 787 Dreamliner, the 747-8 Intercontinental, and the 737 with Sky Interior.

It was fun; especially the next day, when I flew out on UACO metal to ORD and watched SMI/J smirk his way through the latest pre-flight video – I recognized the interior of the 787 mock up I had been in the day before.

Here are just a couple of pics from the visit. I took many more, but they aren't that interesting. They just look like the inside of a plane, which you've all seen. It's a cool facility though – ordinarily, it is only accessible to buyers who are shopping for aircraft for major airlines. That's not my day job, so I felt privileged to get a little behind the scenes access. But it was too bad they wouldn't fire up the full-scale simulator for me.

Almost as cool as the Dreamliner mockup was this scale model of the Sonic Cruiser concept plane. Unveiled in March, 2001, it was supposed to be developed as a delta-wing passenger aircraft that could jet you at 98% mach, up to 10,000 nautical miles, above 40,000 feet FL. But obviously the timing wasn't great. I guess you could say the whole plan was just a canard.

Get it? Canard?

Anyway...some of the tech that was being developed for this ill-fated project ended up being incorporated into the 787. The most important feature brought over may have been the carbon-fiber reinforced plastic for the fuselage. Why is that so great? Because unlike a metal vessel, a composite cylinder can be humidified to a higher level without corroding from the moisture. That may help keep your skin from getting all dry and flaky when you finally fly long-haul on the latest Boeing aircraft.

The World's Longest Flight with a Y Cabin

The Wall Street Journal this week profiled pax making the haul from SYD to DFW via QF flight 7, a 15-hour slog with three classes of service. There are longer flights (EWR-SIN and LAX-SIN for example), but they don't have economy seating configuration.

Some airlines are reporting that pax will pay up to a 20% premium to spend more time in the air, while avoiding a layover. Personally, I'm happy to get a break and stretch my legs – and hit the beer machine in the ANA (pictured) or the United Club at NRT. A couple of extra hours doesn't make a 20 hour trip that much worse than an 18 hour flight.

Plus, you get more miles!

What's the longest commercial flight you've taken? 


And what class of service did you survive?

Your Feet Still Smell: Etiquette Update

Back in June, we shared our views on airplane etiquette, with a huge tip of the baseball cap to baseball groundskeeper and blogger Murray Cook. And speaking of etiquette, the attached photo of someone's nasty hooves on the F cabin bulkhead was taken by my colleague and co-blogger, Crosscheck, on a flight last year from SFO to LAX.

On that note, this week I made a swing that included SFO-SEA-ORD, and witnessed the following:

Violation #1
Stopping by the SFO United Club in T3, I headed back to the so-called Contemplation Room (no cell phones). There's signage that clearly says that lying down, reclining, and sleeping on the furniture are not allowed.

Not only did I have to kick out one guy who was on the phone with his tree surgeon (really), I encountered a guy lying flat out on a couch, asleep: barefoot.

Gross. Blurry photo here (I was afraid if I used the flash it would wake him up, and he'd kick my ass – he looked like an extra from Eastbound & Down). Eventually he stopped drooling and put on his shoes and shuffled off to a flight (probably to Boston).

Violation #2
A couple of days later, I boarded a UA flight from SEA to ORD, seated in F. The guy in 5A was a cross between Hulk Hogan and that dude from the custom motorcycle show, wearing a sleeveless t-shirt, filthy cargo shorts, and flip-flops. Keep in mind there was an inch of snow on the ground in Seattle and the outside temp was 29 degrees Fahrenheit. And it was 19 degrees in Chicago. And the guy had no coat.

As soon as he sat down, he kicked off his sandals, and wiggled his gnarled, filthy, disgusting toes in glee. Before pushback, he got up to retrieve something from the overhead and the FA told him that "bare feet aren't allowed on board the aircraft." But she didn't make him put his flip-flops back on. And when he asked "Why aren't bare feet allowed?" her answer was:

"Because there are sharp objects on the floor."

WTF!? Wrong answer. How about,

"Because, Mr. Hillbilly, you are filthy, grimy, dirt-encrusted pig whose repulsive, exposed feet are a fungus-bearing disease vector, and you sicken us."

Folks, please keep your shoes on?

Thanks.

P. S.: As an aside, the woman in front of me on the same flight had a squalling 5 month old monster infant. In F cabin. That's a topic for another post.

Related articles

• Your feet smell, or airplane etiquette 101 (exitrowaisle.blogspot.com)
• Travel tips from a VERY frequent flyer (groundskeeper.mlblogs.com/)
• Should we have a charter for aeroplane etiquette? (telegraph.co.uk)

Why Your United Lifetime Flight Mileage Suddenly Increased

Happy new year folks. Crosscheck and I were talking about this blog, and the fact that we have tons of great ideas for things to write here while we're flying, but when we get back on the ground our brains are blank again. I'm going to try a different approach this year, which will be to write shorter posts more often, generally around the time I'm flying.

Like today, when I completed my first two segments of 2012. But today I'm not writing about my fight experience. I'm going to explain why my lifetime mileage on United suddenly jumped on New Year's Day from 552,000 to about 675,000. It has to do with coming up with a single system for tracking mileage, that handles CO and UA accounts fairly and equitably.

Up til now, MP accounts tracked "BIS" miles: Butt In Seat while on board UA and United Express aircraft. CO's OnePass counted these EQMs (elite qualifying miles) as well as "bonus EQM" - like miles from partner airlines, or airline credit cards or other promotions.

As a way to get people back on the same page, United recalculated lifetime MP balances to include not only the BIS mileage on UA aircraft, but the bonus EQM on UA as well (previously excluded). This is a one time bump. As United pointed out, "the lifetime miles balance will either increase or remain the same."

If you have a MP account as well as a OnePass account, UA will be combining their lifetime miles to come up with a single, new MP lifetime balance. This is the number with which you'll start your 2012 frequent flyering. And sometime late in Q1 of calendar 2012 the balances will no longer be shown as CO and UA separately, but instead will be combined.

What does this mean in practical terms? Well if you're a UA Premier Gold member, you will have more competition now, and may have a harder time getting upgraded on UDUs (or whatever they are calling them now). Best way to ensure the upgrade? Pick a higher-ranking fare class when you book your ticket.

Last thing to note is that as of January 1, 2012, the bonus party is over. If you want Million Miler status, you're going to have to earn the rest of the miles the new fashioned way: by actually flying. This from UA:

Starting January 1, 2012, flight miles on the new United (including Continental), Copa Airlines, or Copa Airlines Colombia will accrue toward Million Miler status.

So don't give up on promotions, MP Dining, transferring your Marriott Rewards, and so on. Those will still be credited toward award mileage balances. But the EQMs will come from flying, and (maybe) from the United MP Explorer Visa card (but probably just from dollars spent on EQM...I'm not even sure, and I have the damn card). 

Confused? Don't worry about it. The mileage wonks will track this stuff for us. Our job, as always, is to fly fly fly.

Onward!


Image: Old and new MP logos via Plane Picky.

Speaking of Exit Rows: UA's New [Crap] Policy

2P bastard stealing seat 30H on a 777, by hansenbrian via FlickrHere's a quote from United's new exit row seating policy. As a 1P (Premier Executive) passenger who flew almost 95,000 flight miles last year, this pisses me way off:

• MileagePlus members with 1K, Premier Executive, Premier, or Global Services status may select exit row seats...at no extra charge when purchasing tickets...

The emphasis is obviously added by me. This isn't the first downgrade to MileagePlus status benefits and it won't be the last. But in its effort to incorporate CO flyers and planes, UA is going crazy, nibbling away at the differences between mid-tier status benefits.

Sure, anyone can (already) buy exit row seats when they purchase a ticket (even non-MP members). 

But they don't. Those seats are almost always still available when I check in online 24 hours before flight time. Will that still be true if 2Ps can select them at the same time I can?

You're a 2P who flew 25,001 miles last year. I flew almost 100,000. Shouldn't there be a little more differentiation between our benefits, and not a little less?

10M Miles

You think you fly a lot? Meet Tom Stuker, United's newly-minted 10 million mile flyer.

Congrats to Tom! But wow, that's a lot of time in the air. I love racking up the miles as much as anyone. But to me, his accomplishment is equal parts amazing and awesome, with a hefty dose of "depressing" mixed in.

I'd like my name on a plane, though...

Photo above from United's Facebook page.

Don't You Know Who I Am?

I'm a 1k flyer on United. We've spent a lot of time together, United and me. For most of 2010, we were having a mad affair 34,000 feet up.

So here's what I don't get: United still doesn't know me. Like, really know me. United forgets that I prefer aisle seats. And that I have very particular dietary requests. When I get an upgrade, or if I'm traveling overseas, I know I have to pick up the phone and call United. My online profile with United clearly states my meal preference, so it should be in their system...but for some reason, that information isn't transferred over to the ground staff at the airport. Why do I have to call and request a special meal, when that information is clearly included in my profile?

Yeah, yeah, I know: "you got the upgrade, so why are you complaining?"

It's the principle.