Do You Like Urine on Your Feet?

So we've blogged about etiquette before (check out that word cloud to the right), and we'll do it again.

Today.

We have a real problem with people who bare their disgusting, filthy, traveling feet in public. Airline lounges and clubs are a prime place to spot this repulsive behavior.

Here are two photos we've taken (in United Clubs) in the last few months.

This appealing young (gross) lady was at O'Hare...

Bare feet up on the furniture. Nice.

And this lady was in the International Terminal at SFO:

That's her loving husband ignoring her crass ways.

But we saw something on an ORD-SFO flight last week that was truly appalling. Across from us in 21D was a 50 year old dad traveling with his wife and two kids (scattered among nearby rows). He took off his shoes as soon as we pushed back, and was barefoot.

This is bad enough. However, it gets much worse.

Three times during the flight, he got up and used the lavatory. In BARE FEET.

It is beyond appalling to imagine knowingly walking into a space that is splashed with man urine. That's what airplane lavatories are, let's just face it. Even walking in wearing the socks from your BusinessFirst amenity kit is pretty horrific.

But barefoot?

Take a hint from us: Never - NEVER - display your bare feet in an airport or on an airplane.

And if you do, for God's sake – don't visit the lav in your bare feet?

Please?

Catching Flies in 12F

One thing about flying, you almost never notice bugs or insects of any kind in the cabin.

But you can't be too careful.

So I like to sit next to someone like this guy, my row-mate on an Air Canada flight last year.

This was duly noted in responses to my Seatmate Questionnaire....I'm posting this mostly for the benefit of my sometimes co-blogger Crosscheck, who abhors the public sleeper – and most of all the gape-jawed public sleeper, like this dude.

US Airways' Fair, Efficient, Consistent Boarding Process

Just kidding!

There's no such thing. 
 
After taking about ten flights this year on US Airways, in various markets, on different equipment from a number of airports (LGA, CLT, SFO, among others), we've come to the conclusion that when it comes to equitable, consistent boarding processes...US Airways has its head up its aviation ass. 
 
Here's how it goes when it's time to board a US Airways flight:

• The gate agent announces that "We will begin boarding in 3 or 4 minutes."
• 20 to 25 minutes later, we begin boarding.
• The gate agent announces "We will board by zone numbers, which are printed on your boarding pass."
• We board according to descriptive categories, and the zone numbers are never mentioned again.
• Exception: Zone numbers are mentioned when people in zones 3 or higher are told to kiss their carry on luggage goodbye, because the overhead bins are going to fill up faster than an Aeroflot lavatory.
• There is a mad cluster f*** as everyone rushes to the PreferredAccess lane and boards whenever the hell they want to.
• The gate agents don't bother looking at anyone's boarding pass to see whether they are even remotely associated with the group supposedly authorized to board at that point.
• Exception: The FAA mandates that there be one RALGA – Random Angry Lady Gate Agent – at each US Airways boarding zone. This agent will randomly stop a passenger from boarding, saying "We're not boarding your zone number yet! Listen for the zone numbers!"
  
  The passenger will point out that they haven't even called any zone numbers, just random agglomerations of status categories, like "Silver Gold Platinum Star Preferred Elite Access Premium VISA Card holders," and the passive-aggressive RALGA will say, "Fine, if it's that important, just go ahead and board," circumventing the lone attempt to enforce some rule at boarding time.

Maybe your experience is better than ours – but this is what we've seen every time.

At SFO, in fact, the boarding announcements are made by the disembodied voice of an invisible agent who is not even in viewing range of the gate that's boarding. This results in that awkward moment when the BP scanner stops working and nobody can board, but the agent keeps encouraging new groups to board every 20 seconds or so.

Way to go, US Airways.

Way to go.

¶¶¶

Bonus: For a laugh, read SeatGuru's description of US's boarding procedure. Key word: RANDOM.

Double-Bonus: Humorous treatment of same topic from 2010, as seen on Airliners.net.

Why Is Your Child on This Airplane?

I recently read a column that purported to advise parents how to deal with "child haters" who mistreat them just for bringing their kids on an airplane trip.

Excuse me? In a conversation a few years ago, my co-blogger Crosscheck said something that was like a revelation to me:

There is no reason for young children to travel on an airplane.

I have thought about this almost every time I've flown for the last several years. And after all that thinking about it, I have come to the following conclusion:

In the vast majority of cases, there is actually no reason for young children to travel on an aircraft (i.e., kids too young to understand the expectation of civil behavior). The exceptions would be the following:

• an ill child traveling to see a specialist for a severe disease; 

• a family paying its respects to a dying grandparent; or 

• a family relocating permanently across the country.

Otherwise? Why subject yourself to the agony of lugging all that crap around with you (strollers, diapers, wipes, formula, pacifiers, toys, books, video games)? 

Why subject other passengers to the avoidable interference in what is already a stressful pursuit (being cooped up in the tube in the sky)?

Why make the kids go through often-painful sinus compression and decompression (that they don't understand how to remedy), dehydration, and other deleterious effects of air travel? 

Just stay home, or take a driving trip, a train trip, or a boat trip.

Photo via Creative Commons 

The Territorialist

...that's what I'm calling the breed of jerk I encountered in the an international business seat next to me on a recent trip. This particular animal likes to mark his territory; don't be surprised if you catch him peeing in on the floor near his seat. Observed Territorialist behavior:

• Strategic overhead bin hogging
• Crowding the shared armrest/console area with drinks, menus, warm nuts etc
• Flailing limbs while "sleeping"
• Constant annoying requests from the FAs for special treatment

Ok dude, we get it. You're Global Services and you think you're the shiz. But if you're really so great, why weren't you in First?

Now Boarding.....

Two forces have combined to overwhelm the boarding process on UA/CO for the last few weeks:

1. The pending merger has the GAs announcing every known combination of frequent flier achievement level possible across CO, UA, and the rest of Star Alliance; and
    
2. The ability to earn boarding priority by serving in the military (or by having the United Explorer Visa card) means a couple more groups at the gate.

So to save you the trouble of listening for your own group, just remember that this is the current order in which people may board:

• Uniformed military personnel and Global Services customers as well as Presidential Platinum Elite
• People traveling with squalling children, or people who need extra time to board, because they have four carry-ons
• 1K and Star Alliance Gold
• Premier Executive, Premier, Star Silver, Silver Platinum (Elite), 2K, Star Bronze, Copa Me Mucho, Star Platinum, Silver Elite Gold, and Premier Associates. Oh, and uninformed military personnel
• United Explorer Visa Card holders with checked bags or outstanding monthly balances
• Then, seating area 5

Questions?

Image via Creative Commons

Something to Drink, Sir? Also, You're a Pig.

Yeah, OK. We've been over this whole feet-on-the-bulkhead thing already. But we're going to keep beating this drum until airline flight attendants get up the nerve to tell passengers who do this that it's not OK, and make them stop.

I took this photo in the first row of a United A320 today on a four hour jaunt out of ORD. The guy with his nasty feet on the wall wasn't some wayward slob on his way back to campus after a snowboarding weekend. He was a 40-something business man in a nice suit and tie.

And he was a disgusting pig for doing this.

There's your rant for this week.

Simulate This! Boeing's Customer Experience Center

Did some flying today – just a short one hour hop on a US EMB145 out of LGA. There was a little girl behind me, in 5F, and whenever she started to mess with my seat back or make annoying squealy noises, her dad shushed her as best he could. I appreciated that.

I also appreciated that he wasn't seated in 4D, next to me, because he was obese and barely fit in his own seat. If the person next to him weren't a child, he could not have sat there. At least I didn't have to stand up for a seven hour flight (did you see that story?!). I chatted with a United FA last year who told me about her biggest fear – that she will have a "POS" who causes a safety problem or other "incident" because of his or her size.

"What's a POS?" I asked.

"Person of size..." she said. So now you know the terminology to use when you complain to the airline about the giant in 4D.

But that's not what I wanted to write about. I wanted to talk about the Boeing Customer Experience Center in Renton, Washington. I had a chance to go there recently, and tour mock ups of several aircraft, including the 787 Dreamliner, the 747-8 Intercontinental, and the 737 with Sky Interior.

It was fun; especially the next day, when I flew out on UACO metal to ORD and watched SMI/J smirk his way through the latest pre-flight video – I recognized the interior of the 787 mock up I had been in the day before.

Here are just a couple of pics from the visit. I took many more, but they aren't that interesting. They just look like the inside of a plane, which you've all seen. It's a cool facility though – ordinarily, it is only accessible to buyers who are shopping for aircraft for major airlines. That's not my day job, so I felt privileged to get a little behind the scenes access. But it was too bad they wouldn't fire up the full-scale simulator for me.

Almost as cool as the Dreamliner mockup was this scale model of the Sonic Cruiser concept plane. Unveiled in March, 2001, it was supposed to be developed as a delta-wing passenger aircraft that could jet you at 98% mach, up to 10,000 nautical miles, above 40,000 feet FL. But obviously the timing wasn't great. I guess you could say the whole plan was just a canard.

Get it? Canard?

Anyway...some of the tech that was being developed for this ill-fated project ended up being incorporated into the 787. The most important feature brought over may have been the carbon-fiber reinforced plastic for the fuselage. Why is that so great? Because unlike a metal vessel, a composite cylinder can be humidified to a higher level without corroding from the moisture. That may help keep your skin from getting all dry and flaky when you finally fly long-haul on the latest Boeing aircraft.

Your Feet Still Smell: Etiquette Update

Back in June, we shared our views on airplane etiquette, with a huge tip of the baseball cap to baseball groundskeeper and blogger Murray Cook. And speaking of etiquette, the attached photo of someone's nasty hooves on the F cabin bulkhead was taken by my colleague and co-blogger, Crosscheck, on a flight last year from SFO to LAX.

On that note, this week I made a swing that included SFO-SEA-ORD, and witnessed the following:

Violation #1
Stopping by the SFO United Club in T3, I headed back to the so-called Contemplation Room (no cell phones). There's signage that clearly says that lying down, reclining, and sleeping on the furniture are not allowed.

Not only did I have to kick out one guy who was on the phone with his tree surgeon (really), I encountered a guy lying flat out on a couch, asleep: barefoot.

Gross. Blurry photo here (I was afraid if I used the flash it would wake him up, and he'd kick my ass – he looked like an extra from Eastbound & Down). Eventually he stopped drooling and put on his shoes and shuffled off to a flight (probably to Boston).

Violation #2
A couple of days later, I boarded a UA flight from SEA to ORD, seated in F. The guy in 5A was a cross between Hulk Hogan and that dude from the custom motorcycle show, wearing a sleeveless t-shirt, filthy cargo shorts, and flip-flops. Keep in mind there was an inch of snow on the ground in Seattle and the outside temp was 29 degrees Fahrenheit. And it was 19 degrees in Chicago. And the guy had no coat.

As soon as he sat down, he kicked off his sandals, and wiggled his gnarled, filthy, disgusting toes in glee. Before pushback, he got up to retrieve something from the overhead and the FA told him that "bare feet aren't allowed on board the aircraft." But she didn't make him put his flip-flops back on. And when he asked "Why aren't bare feet allowed?" her answer was:

"Because there are sharp objects on the floor."

WTF!? Wrong answer. How about,

"Because, Mr. Hillbilly, you are filthy, grimy, dirt-encrusted pig whose repulsive, exposed feet are a fungus-bearing disease vector, and you sicken us."

Folks, please keep your shoes on?

Thanks.

P. S.: As an aside, the woman in front of me on the same flight had a squalling 5 month old monster infant. In F cabin. That's a topic for another post.

Related articles

• Your feet smell, or airplane etiquette 101 (exitrowaisle.blogspot.com)
• Travel tips from a VERY frequent flyer (groundskeeper.mlblogs.com/)
• Should we have a charter for aeroplane etiquette? (telegraph.co.uk)

We Love to Pee, and It Shows

Image via WikipediaCrosscheck and I recently compared experiences getting doused with fluids in mid-flight. A woman next to her sneezed a large volume of probably illness-laden spittle onto her. For my part, a careless FA decided to pop the pull tab on a can of Heineken about 5 inches from my right temple, sending a frothy spray of Dutch lager into my eye and ear.

But we have nothing on a kid who was unlucky enough to fly a JetBlue redeye from Oregon to New York.

If you haven't heard this story yet, prepare for a doozy.

A teenage passenger on a JetBlue redeye was detained after landing because he peed on an 11-year old girl during the flight. The New York Post tells it like this:

The youngster was traveling with her sister and dad, and had been left alone for a few minutes while the others used the lavatories. Robert Vietze, 18, of South Warren, Vt., stumbled from his seat five rows behind her and emptied his bladder, a witness said.

"I was drunk, and I did not realize I was pissing on her leg..." He later claimed to have consumed eight alcoholic beverages.

Yeah, uh, OK.

There are a bunch of obvious issues here, but the thing we loved most about the initial version of the story was the phrase embedded in the URL for the NY Post story:

Creep in Jet Stream

Once we were done laughing we logged back in to Interwebs to discover that the nocturnal emitter in question was a member of the US Ski Team, now an ex-member of the US Ski Team.

Insert "US Pee Team" joke here.


To be continued, we are certain.

Related articles

• Robert 'Sandy' Vietz Thrown Off U.S. Ski Team After Allegedly Drunkenly Urinating On Girl Aboard JetBlue Flight (newyork.cbslocal.com)

Your Feet Smell, or Airplane Etiquette 101

When we're not scrapping for an upgrade, both Crosscheck and I are likely to be taking in a baseball game. We long ago discovered Murray Cook's Field Blog. Major League Baseball's chief groundskeeper travels the globe to build and resuscitate ballfields in countries you've never even heard of, and logs many air miles in the process.

We were thrilled when Murray blogged about his frustration with the lack of flying etiquette displayed by so many travelers. We'll let you read his full post for yourself, but here are the ones we thought most on target:

• Too-big Carry-ons
• As Murray points out, sneaking a steamer trunk on board doesn't entitle you to let it smack me in the side of the head as you head to your seat.
• Aggressive Recliners
• We agree with Murray: check to see who's behind you and what they are doing before you crush their laptop screen or splash their drink into their lap. Then recline gradually.
• Headphone Intruders
• If we have headphones on, guess what? We're listening to something other than you and we don't want to start a conversation.
• Kicking Kids
• I'm talking about kids you wish you could kick because of their behavior. But it's the parents who deserve the kicking – that is, if they don't even try to prevent their precious babies from kicking the back of your seat, or touching your head from the row behind you, or playing a handheld game with the sound on and no headphones...et cetera.
• Shoeless Joe
• Even clean feet are disgusting. You've been hoofing it through airport security and running the concourse to get to the gate, so your filthy, sweaty, stinking sock (or worse, bare) feet are not welcome outside of your shoes. Especially if you put them up on the bulkhead. Gross.

We'll cover more pet peeves in future posts, but this seems like a good start.